Sunday, 11 October 2009
As you know, on Monday I found out by phone that I had managed to successfully negotiate the final hurdle before beginning training for ordination. Tuesday I got the letter which confirmed it. Friday, I headed up to Perth straight after class for the first Theological Institute of the Scottish Episcopal Church (TISEC) residential weekend.
I was already feeling behind in my classes having missed the first two days of term to be down at the selection conference in Ely. I still hadn't fully made the transition back into the academic year. And I noticed that this weekend I struggled to make the shift into TISEC stuff - partly because I hadn't let myself think too much about it before I heard the result of the selection panel and partly because I was coming straight into the training weekend from a busy and exhausting week.
Because the weekend's schedule was packed with very little free time, I am now looking at all that needs to be accomplished for this next week (and a fair chunk for tomorrow) and want to wail in despair.
I am tired. I like having time to do things properly and reflect on them. I like having space for myself. I like to have a bit of time off of thinking and reading and engaging with new ideas (hence the total 'Gossip Girl' addiction). I forced myself to do nothing the weekend after the selection panel, to allow myself to rest and reflect and do whatever I needed to do to be attentive to what had happened there, to provide some kind of closure and transition and to come down from the stress of it. But I did it knowing that it would put me further behind academically. Now I feel hopelessly behind. And too tired to catch up (despite knowing that the busiest part of the semester is yet to come). But I am also in desperate need of space and time to come down from the busyness of the week and the weekend and the overall journey to this point, and I know myself well enough to know that if I'm not careful, my body will demand the rest, and I will get sick, and I really can't afford that.
I am realising that certain expectations I had of myself might have to be relaxed. Hopes of a first class degree are quickly disappearing. And I can nearly accept that. Nearly. What I don't like is the feeling that I'm scraping by, doing only what needs to be done, not absorbing any of it, memorising and not learning.
I need to somehow find more hours in the day (perhaps by not blogging when I should be studying .... or sleeping).
8 comments:
ah yes... welcome to the wonderful notion of 'we want you to be reflective practitioners, but won't give you any time to actually reflect' - argh.
It is way to early in the day to think about your degree result... it will all work out in the end: trust me as one who knows this.
Also:
1/ Jesus wants you for a sunbeam
2/ you cannot be a sunbeam if you're too tired to shine
3/ the more you stress about not having any time, the more likely you will start chasing your tail around and not get that chance to shine...
4/ so... one thing at a time... keep breathing... and give yourself the luxury of at least one day off, knowing that you'll be refreshed enough that perspective will come back... and you will indeed be able to shine... or at least begin to twinkle just a little bit on the way to actual full blown shining.
5/ that is all...
6/ no, it isn't... hug x
Oh I've been there. I did a year at New Coll before Selection and was sent to a Tisec weekend 2 days after hearing I'd got through. So I know where you are and it is soooo hard.
Nikki's advice is good. Beware of burn out. Go to the beach for a walk in the wind. Go for a romantic meal with your husband and don't talk about study but about one another.
Chill, sister. You will get through this - you may not feel it right now, but I have no doubt you will.
Easy for me to say-I am retired
BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD!
more of the same really.
My vote is for giving yourself time to process what's happened. The (pending) fact of ordination is more important than any one week's work at New College. And unless your luck is terrible, you could 'drop' this week, and still not lose hope of your first.
If it does go away, I promise you noone else will remember or care.
TISEC teaches two things well: worship, and how to toss off a 1,000 essay/ reflection/ report the same day you've preached the sermon and spent 6 hours working on something else entirely.
I'll say what I said before: just enjoy worshipping in as many interesting places as you can. Pray lots, and sit light to the rest.
(and those of you who knew me in TISEC: hush now. Kate needn't repeat my failures!)
Kimberly is so wise! And I know it doesn't feel that way now, but essays and exams are really still a long way off and you *will* be able to catch up by then. I know you're so conscientious and want to really enter into everything you're doing which is one of the things I love about you - but I think you're wise to realize that that is not going to be possible all of the time. But, conversely, it still will be possible *some* of the time and picking and choosing where your focus is (i.e. this week on TISEC) is hard, but possible.
And then there's always Gossip Girl.
Still, I have much sympathy, heading off for an intense weekend just as school winds up for the week = very hard going.
Oh man, I couldn't feel ya more. I completely understand, am a little overwhelmed myself right now with recommendation to write (16 of them!), tests to grade, journals to grade, comments that are due soon, and oh yeah, planning for actually TEACHING. You know. What I get PAID to do. Whew. I hear ya. I am taking a break right now to read your post, and I must say, that is it good to know I'm not the only one (I DO know this, but sometimes forget...:-)) and at the same time, feel very sorry you feel the same way I do. Oh man. Sorry no uplifting words, don't have time. :-)
I've just returned to 'lurking' after a long absence, and I'm delighted at your news. Congratulations on getting through selection, and welcome to the TISEC fellowship. Blessings and prayers.
Welcome back, Eammon. And thank you very much for your good wishes and prayers.
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